When all things point up but one!

Have you ever met a guy that is perfect for you? You understand each other’s quirks and weird ways. He knows what you want without ever having to tell him. You know when to leave each other alone or when one another needs a companion. When he doesn't call or text within a day you don't worry because you know him and if he knew it bothered you he would call or text. You can fight like cats and dogs and then turn around and act like nothing happened. Everything about this guy is pointing in your favor but one!

This one little problem could differ depending on who it is. Maybe it's your best friend and you have known each other forever. Maybe it's the guy that your girlfriend has always loved. Maybe he's is a colleague and you couldn't imagine what it would do to the office. No matter what you do, there is that one thing that stops you from going forward.

Just the other day I was talking to my mother about this very dilemma. She had just watched the movie "Something Borrowed" and couldn't get over the fact that the girl had just let the guy go and be with her best friend, when all along she was in love with him. My mother looked at me and said "don't ever let anything hold you back from going after what you want - especially if he is available." Now don't misinterpret my mother’s words, if the guy you think is perfect is dating another girl, or better yet married, hands off. But until its official don't wait around for him to get snatched up.

The more I thought about this the more I looked at my relationships with the people who have all the qualities I want out of a partner (there are not that many so it didn't take me long). With each relationship I could only come up with one big reason as to why we shouldn't be together. The funny thing is that the reason had nothing to do with us; it was because of the people or things around us. Now I wonder why I’m letting outside forces control my decisions. Is it because I’m not willing consequences of what would happen if I forgot about the things around me and just focused on me? Is it because I’m scared that if I take it to that level it will change everything? Is it because I’m scared?

I don't have any answers and I don't know what to do - all I know is that my mother made me think. Why do we single girls let everything around us determine what we do and who we are. Why can't we just live and do what we want. Isn't that the most exciting thing about being single - the fact that you don't have to answer to another? But if we aren't going after that one who is perfect because of outside forces are not answering to something or someone? So then what’s the difference in being single and being with someone – no matter we are asking something or someone for permission.

Is the Checklist Holding you Back?

Have you ever created a checklist for the opposite sex? A list of the qualities you want out of your significant other. I have one in my head, but I've never physically written it out.

To be honest I'm afraid to write it down, because it changes as I change. Don't get me wrong, when I was a little girl I created one with my girl friends - wasn't that the concept of the game "MASH." (for those of you who don't know this game you would take a piece of paper and write out 3 guys names, 3 types of cars you wanted to drive, 3 colleges you wanted to attend, 3 occupations, and so forth. Then you or a friend would somehow determine a number and start crossing things off the list wherever the number fell until there was only one thing left in each column. MASH stood for the type of house you would own - Masion, Apartment, Shack, or House.) Now I know this sounds silly, but isn't this kind of what we do with a checklist. We have all these idea of what we want and then we look for someone who will fit?

I've never really been opposed to the idea of a checklist until a few months ago. I was out with some of the girls, having a drink and minding my own business when I spotted a colleague of mine (she is actually one of the VP's at my organization). She was there with some friends and introduced me to a guy she knew that had just moved to the city. We chatted for a little while and then I went back to the girls. Later that week, my colleague asked if she could give my number to the guy so he could get to know some people in the area. I said sure and of course he called. He didn't want me to just show him around instead he wanted to go on a date. I agreed (why not, what did I have to lose).

When he showed up at my door I realized this was never going to happen, he was shorter than me (something I just can't handle – my checklist) but I tried to look past it and thought just maybe. He took me to a very nice restaurant and the conversation was great - at first. He started asking about my beliefs, relationship with my family, where I wanted to be a few years down the road - all the typical questions people ask on a date. The weird thing was that after each comment he agreed with, he would state "CHECK." He was literally taking me through his checklist making sure I matched up. After the third "check" I couldn't take him seriously. All that was going through my head is "are you serious."

Needless to say we did not go out on a second date. Looking back on this situation I have to wonder and ask myself do I have a checklist? Am I so dedicated to my checklist that I'm missing out on what's in front of me? I'm at a stage in my life where I know what I want personality wise, but I think I'm uncertain of looks. For years I have wanted a guy that looks and acts a certain way, but I'm not sure if I really care about that anymore. Is it not enough to find someone who loves me for me? Someone who just wants to make me happy and have fun together? Does he really have to be extremely fit and athletic?

I don't know. But what I do know is that if I stay dedicated to a checklist then how can I grow. Think of all the wonderful things you’ll miss out on. What if that perfect guy is standing in front of you but isn’t as muscular as your list requires? What if he isn’t driving the right car? A checklist gives you no room to explore and really see what’s in front of you.

The One you Can't Let Go

Have you ever been with someone who just keeps coming back? You try dating it doesn't work, you go your separate ways but he just keeps coming back. Every time you’re ready to move on he shows up. It's like you can't get away and the worst part is that you don't know if you want to?

Well I think we have all been there to some extent - I know I have one those in my life. Just the other day I was talking to one of the Slassy Ladies and she was heading out of town. At first she didn't want to tell me where she was going, but finally she broke. She was flying up to see a guy she dated her junior year in college, then again right after college, and then again a year ago. Now Rerun Slassy, as we will call her, has dated plenty of guys in between and wasn’t pining away, but there was something about this guy that she could never let go of. We have had numerous conversations about how he isn't good for her and how she could do better if she would just let him go. Through countless tears, bottles of wine and moments of frustration Rerun Slassy has never been able to let go of this guy. She knows that he isn't the best thing for her but when you give your heart away you have to wait until it's ready to say goodbye, otherwise there is always going to be the what-if.

So off Rerun Slassy went. She had a wonderful weekend, was able to act silly, see a new place, and have fun. We chatted back and forth that Saturday and she seemed happy, but I could tell something wasn't right. She didn't have the excitement and thrill in her voice and messages that normally comes out when she is with him or talking about him. She just seemed content.

When Rerun Slassy returned we were out having a glass or three of wine and I asked "how did it go?" To my surprise she stated "I don't think I'll be seeing much of him anymore." I just kinda sat there, a little shocked but relieved at the same time. She told me all about the things they did and how they had fun, but as the weekend continued she started to realize that this wasn't the kind of life she wanted to live. She wasn't happy and didn't feel as though he was the one.

Now this relationship has been going on for 5 years and this is the first time that I have ever heard her say "he isn't the one." She has said many things to make you think that she is over him, but I truly believe this was the last visit. Her heart finally let him go, it wasn't easy, it took years of struggle but through it all she learned more about what she wants out of a relationship and who she is as a person!

I can promise you as a friend it’s hard to watch someone you care about go through this struggle of figuring out if a guy is right or not, especially when you don't think he is. But I can also promise you, that if you don't let her figure it out the way she needs to, then you aren't being a good a friend and could possibly lose her. She will eventually figure it out and do what is best for her at that time, but she needs to be the one making the decision. No matter what happens, the heart has to be the leader otherwise she'll never fully let him go and she'll always wonder!