How do you open your heart to someone once you've been hurt?
This is the question I'm currently asking myself. I don't have answers in this post. I have a story - but there is no conclusion.
Next week marks the year anniversary of my single life and in this past year I have learned more about myself, met some amazing people and have had a blast. The only thing that is missing is that I'm afraid to love, because I'm afraid of being hurt. I've become my own worse enemy.
Just the other day I had a very close friend tell me that I don't trust people. If you know me then you must realize how much this hurt, but it's the truth. I love people and I give people the benefit of a doubt - well everyone except those that I would want to date. If you are someone I might date and if there is any chemistry between us then I'm going to push you away. We can be friends and talk about your life all you want, but if you try to get close to me then I'm going to run as fast as I can. I'm not proud of this, and I really didn't even realize I was doing this until a little less than a month ago.
I was hanging out with a guy that I adore - he is handsome, kind, caring, dependable, fun, silly (you get the point) - we had been hanging out for a while and every time he tried to get close I did something to put up a boundary. One day he made a joke about being a "bad boyfriend" and before he could even finish the sentence I shot back "you are not my boyfriend so don't even worry." Why did I have to say anything? The look on his face was heartbreaking - he looked confused, nervous, and shocked all at the same time. Once again I dug a grave. I shot down a great guy for no reason expect my fear of being hurt.
I don't want to be that girl. I'm not bitter and I'm not mad at my ex. I'm just scared. Some people say that I haven't met the right guy, because if I had he wouldn't let me go. But to be honest, I think they are just trying to make me feel better. I've met some wonderful men over the past year, but I've never really given them a chance to love me because I refuse to let down my guard. You can only push someone away for so long before he leaves for good.
So now I have a question for you all - How do I learn to open my heart and trust?
No comments:
Post a Comment